I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
