Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
