i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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