Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
