What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
