Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
