I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
