I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
