Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
