I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
