I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
