i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Houston, we have a blender
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
