Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
