Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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