I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
