I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
