I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
