I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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