I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
