is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
