would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
