remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
