one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
