i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
