I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You're like the curious george of whores
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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