i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
