if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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