i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
