I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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