i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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