overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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