I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
