don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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