Non-Jews are for practice
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She needs sedatives and a leash
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
