I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
