I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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