Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
