So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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