38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
