Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
soo... how was my night?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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