wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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