it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
