I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
