oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
