My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize