I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Drunk is not a location!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
