you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
