Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
