lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
50% drunk capacity currently
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
