i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
