at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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