plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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