lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
