The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
