I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
