I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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