so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
